“I had to slap myself across my own face so hard that I gave myself a black eye”…

“I had to slap myself across my own face so hard that I gave myself a black eye”… One woman’s story of coercive controlling behaviour ⬇️

Mae, a victim of domestic abuse has bravely shared her harrowing experience of coercive control by her ex-partner in the hope that it helps other victims recognise the signs and report it:

“At the start, I was in what I thought was a normal relationship but that slowly changed.

“At first I thought he was being protective, but the more it progressed, I realised it wasn’t normal behaviour.

“I had to ask before I was allowed to do anything, including going to the toilet in my own home. I also had to ask if I could eat, drink, even just to move off my bed. I was in my room pretty much 24/7.

“He stopped me from seeing my family and made me feel like they all hated me, and when my daughter was born, I wasn’t allowed to tend to her without his permission, even when she needed me the most.

“She wasn’t allowed to touch certain areas of my body because they belonged to him. It got to the point where I had to stop breast feeding because he was getting so mad.

“If I didn’t do as I was told I had to either write a five-to-six-page essay, basically saying I was his property, that he had control and I had to do whatever he wanted, when he wanted it.

“And if that didn’t make him feel better, then I had to slap myself across my face and I had to do it so hard, that I gave myself a black eye.

“Although he did not have access to my bank account, he had so much control over me that all of my wages were spent on him.

“He made me feel so small and that I had no-one. I am only just starting to get my life back, several years later.”

“I was scared to come forward to the police because I didn’t know what he would do to me. I felt like I couldn’t go to the police as I didn’t have proof or evidence. I didn’t even know what he was doing was classed as abuse.”

His abuse was reported when a midwife became concerned after witnessing his behaviour towards Mae while she was in hospital in labour and reported him to the police.

Mae added: “The first interaction I had with the police was from a female officer which I was glad about. She was really understanding and took her time with me. It made me feel more comfortable having a woman officer.

“Afterwards I was nervous and scared and relieved – all at the same time. Scared of what he was going to do, nervous of what was going to happen but relieved that I had spoken about it.

“After the court case I was confused but happy. I had it out of my system but I was a mess at first because I was a young mum and I had just got rid of someone I thought I loved. It took me a long time to feel safe. I am so much better now. I look at my daughter and thank her for saving my life every day.”

Following his arrest, Mae’s former partner was later charged with assault and controlling and coercive behaviour. After pleading guilty to both offences, he was jailed for 18 months and issued with a 10-year restraining order.

Detective Chief Inspector Clare Crossan, North Yorkshire Police’s lead for Domestic Abuse, said: “Like Mae, many people don’t realise that controlling behaviour is a form of abuse, or feel able to report it. In Mae’s case I can only imagine the fear and isolation that she felt being made a prisoner in her own home and controlled, not only in daily life, but in how she cared for her own child.

“My thanks go to Mae for her courage in sharing her story. I hope that other victims may recognise the signs and come forward. Even if you do not feel able to report it to the police, you can get help from Independent Domestic Abuse Service (IDAS) who provide free, confidential support and advice and access to emergency accommodation for all victims and survivors of domestic abuse.”

➡️ Spot the signs of abuse

Emotional abuse: They may call you names, always put you down or try and humiliate you. They might also try and scare you. For example, they may drive dangerously.

Coercive or controlling abuse: Coercive behaviour is when someone isolates you and controls what you do. They might stop you from seeing your family and friends. They might always tell you what you can do.

Sexual abuse or assault: You might be forced or pressured into sexual activity without your permission. This includes forcing you to dress or behave in a sexual way. They may also hold you down during sex or touch you inappropriately.

Economic abuse: This includes stopping you from accessing your money. They may also not let you work, or give you an allowance.

Digital or online abuse: They might look at your social media activity. They may share, or threatening to share, your personal information online. This might include your intimate images or videos.

Honour-based abuse and forced marriage: Honour-based abuse is a crime or incident committed to protect or defend the ‘honour’ of a family or community. It is never justified. The abuse can take on many forms.

Stalking and harassment: You may get constant text messages asking what you are doing. These might feel like they are checking up on you. They might come to your work when you don’t expect it. They may also threaten you.

Getting help and reporting domestic abuse ⬇️

To report abuse to the police, please call 101 or report online via our website. If you are in danger, always call 999.

If you prefer not to report to the police, you can get confidential help, support and access to emergency accommodation from the charity, Independent Domestic Abuse Services – visit their website IDAS or call 03000 110 110.

Call the national 24-hour domestic abuse helpline 0808 2000 247

For more information on help that is available, please see the links in the first comment below ⬇️

If you are concerned that a partner or ex-partner may be a risk to you, you can submit a request under the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme. Also known as Clare’s Law, it allows the police to release information about any previous history of violence or abuse a person might have. If you are concerned that the partner or ex-partner of a friend or relative may pose a risk to them, you can also make a request. Read more here Request information under Clare’s Law: Make a Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS) application | North Yorkshire Police

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